Friday, November 26, 2004

Self-Reflection.. or not?

Well, I just saw "Bridget Jones Diary: The Edge of Reason," and I must say it was hilarious. I went with Noelle. I love it. I'm not sure if it beats "Under the Tuscan Sun" though. These are the kinds of movies that make you feel good about life. During the ten minutes I was waiting outside for her brother to pick us up, all of these goals and aspirations pulsated throughout my mind. For some reason though, whenever I step into my home, I become really uptight and lose all sense of motivation. I don't know if its because of all of the stuff I know I have to be doing, or if its because of the atmosphere that is created by my tense family members. It just feels like nothing is ever quite balanced. There is never a dull moment. If my father isn't having another toe cut off, or another kidney rejection, he has an earache and the whole world centers around him. If my mom isn't complaining about my father, then she's driving him around. If my sister isn't on the computer, she's hounding me about something or leaving me threatening notes around my room. It seems like I overanalyze things and make elaborate life plans out in my head to distract myself from all of this. I make plans in my head that I'm going to accomplish certain things. Sometimes they are often not practical and I disappoint myself by not accomplishing these "well laid out" plans. Then, I become depressed with myself for failing to carry out these tasks. This constant theme of self-sabotage is something that occurs again and again during my life. I always notice that I do this. I have a negative outlook and most things and often fail to see that "the grass is greener on the other side." So on a Friday night, as I sit inside and contemplate my life more than I should, I see myself as an unhappy, zoftig, underachieving, self-ruining mutant with no rhyme or reason.

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